As someone who has been single, married, and single again, I can tell you firsthand that your single years matter. A lot. Like the Apostle Paul, you need a clear vision of the mindset and purpose of your single years.
God’s Word has much to say about singleness. In fact, Scripture refers to singleness as a gift. But why would God give you a gift that you may not want?
Simply this: what we want is not always what is best for us right now. And what’s best for us is not something we always value and appreciate when we have it.
You are single today. That may change one day. But what can you value and appreciate about your singleness right now?
Biblical View
What God has to say about your season of singleness is intended to affect the way you live. How you operate. What you focus on. Here’s how Paul put it:
“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Corinthians 7:7-9
You may read that and determine that you fall squarely in the “burn with passion” category. Bring on the future spouse! And that’s perfectly fine. That longing to pair up for as long as you both shall live is Genesis 2 stuff! It’s a godly longing.
However, there is much more to marriage than a romantic relationship. Even though sex with your spouse may be the best thing you do on a given day, it will not be how you spend the vast majority of your time as a married couple.
You are single now and God calls it a gift. Why?
Singleness is a Gift from God
If your single season has lingered for years, you may start to wonder if God’s way for your life got misplaced on His heavenly “to-do” list.
As a Christian, you believe that God’s plan is perfect. However, you may struggle between the desires of your heart and God’s timing.
The longer that you remain single, you may start to resent the gift of singleness. Perhaps you have always wanted children. You want to start a family and simply get on with the rest of your life with your true love. So again, why would God ordain singleness?
Paul directly answers that burning question: “I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:34b-35)
Two specific reasons are given for your single years: (1) to promote good order, and (2) to secure an undivided devotion to the Lord. Let’s look closely at those reasons.
To Promote Good Order
The Amplified Version says it like this: “to promote what is appropriate.” Appropriate is defined as that which is suitable or fitting for a particular occasion. What is appropriate for your single years?
What is “appropriate” fits the context of a given circumstance. Inappropriate would be wearing a string bikini at a family Christmas dinner with grandma. Nothing wrong with bikinis, but it’s inappropriate in that circumstance’s context.
In your singleness, God wants to promote what is appropriate in your context and environment. Counseling couples regarding marriage problems when you have no real-life experience does not fit your life’s context. What is your environment according to Scripture?
“This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.” (1 Corinthians 7:29-31, ESV)
Your environment is a fallen world. God reminds us here that being single or married is not the main storyline of your life. Sharing the hope of Jesus is every believer’s main storyline.
God is on the move to seek and save the lost. God sent His one and only Son Jesus Christ to provide certain hope for eternal life with Him. And He will leverage every season of every believer to accomplish it — including your season of singleness.
To Secure Your Undivided Devotion to the Lord
Single women and single men have a unique purpose. This life season is the appropriate time to develop a strong relationship with Christ without distraction. As a beloved child of God with His Holy Spirit active inside of you means living in a different way.
Have you spent significant time in prayer ascertaining God’s call on your life? Singleness offers more free time than any other group of people, regardless of age.
Whether you are twenty or eighty, now is the perfect time to devote a significant part of your energy to serving the Lord.
The Dating Process
Head into dating understanding that it is a process. It is not a social media “status” that you sit in for endless years. Dating is intended to progress you through the next step to finding that life partner.
Dreaming of marriage is a godly pursuit so diligence in finding a godly man or godly woman is vital.
However, if you spend endless hours scrolling through online Christian singles dating sites or hours at the local bar, ask yourself: Am I as diligent in investing that much time and energy to seek an intimate relationship with the Son of God?
Dating is great, but dating is distracting. Looking for the right person means being very aware of how you look, smell, and sound to the opposite sex.
It’s no wonder that churches long ago sat women on one side of the church and men on the other! It can be hard to worship God wholeheartedly when a cute possibility sitting next to you smells fantastic.
Only God Meets All of Your Needs
Our culture is far more concerned about a person’s relationship status than the state of a person’s soul. Just look at any social media channel.
It is alarming when someone says, “I’m looking for someone to complete me and make me whole.” It is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually dangerous when we look for a prince or princess to do what our King can do.
But you may be asking, “Can’t I serve the Lord married? My spouse and I will seek after God together! Why do I have to be single?”
As a single person, you have much more discretionary time than a married person. Your waiting period holds a high calling and the clock is ticking. As Paul said, singleness is intended to secure an undivided devotion to the Lord. So, is it different for men versus women?
The Single Woman
“The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:34b)
There will be all kinds of things that please your husband that you have never had to worry or care about before that go beyond sexual intimacy. There may be a steep learning curve to manage his expectations.
He may enter into marriage assuming that you will do certain things that his mom used to do for him, like cook a hot meal three times a day and keep a perpetually spotless home. He may expect you to be a financial co-earner, yet also be a PTA mom, carpool queen, and homework helper all while wearing high heels.
Marriage is great, but it can certainly be distracting. Paul reminds unmarried women to be anxious about things of the Lord without distraction. Your single season contains a significant purpose.
The Single Man
“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34a)
Similar to above, there will be all kinds of things that please your wife that you have never had to worry or care about that go beyond sexual intimacy. There may be a steep learning curve to manage her expectations, as well.
She may enter into marriage assuming that you will provide financially like her father used to which allows for a certain lifestyle, like new cars, a big house, and exotic vacations.
She may expect you to be the sole breadwinner while she remains at home with the children, yet also expects you to make time to attend all of your children’s sporting events, be home all weekend, and be consistently emotionally supportive.
Marriage is great, but it can certainly be distracting. Paul reminds unmarried men to be anxious about things of the Lord without distraction. Your single season contains a significant purpose.
It may sound like I am poo-pooing marriage. Not at all. I loved being married, sharing life, and cherishing that special someone. However, there is a tendency in every human being to devalue the benefits of their life stage and inflate the benefits of another.
Don’t miss out on the benefits of your singleness that you will not have as a married person. Longing for something that God may or may not have ordained for your life is a thief of joy.
Unique Benefits of Singleness
What you have now as a single person is freedom and time. Those are valuable resources that God gives to you in your singleness that will significantly decrease with marriage and parenting. So how will you leverage your freedom and time?
Being single again has allowed me the time to write a dozen Christian books and the freedom to travel the world to teach from Scripture. The vast majority of my discretionary time is spent studying God’s Word, researching for my next Bible study, and devoting significant prayer toward both.
A wonderful friend of over 25 years is nearing sixty years old and has remained single. Though she wanted to be married, she did not sit in a corner and mourn her life away. She is a smart professional and sold-out follower of Jesus who volunteers her free time to help others in various ways.
Your freedom has a purpose. Not to fill your time with distractions, but to pursue an undistracted devotion to the Lord.
What Defines Your Singleness?
Paul says that the unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. The unmarried woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.
So the million-dollar question is simply this: Does that define your singleness?
As you take stock of how you spend your days and what you focus energy toward, is pursuing an undistracted devotion to the Lord at the top of your list?
If you find yourself frustrated in your singleness, you are missing the point of why you are single. It would be like playing golf without clubs. It’s confusing and doesn’t make sense.
The most content single people I have ever met are the ones who understood that the purpose of their singleness was to secure an undistracted devotion to the Lord.
What Does Undistracted Devotion Look Like?
One of the daily practices that I have done for years is to write out books of the Bible. I type like the wind, think fast, and read fast, so I realized that the only way God’s Word would sink in past the blur was to slow down and handwrite books of the Bible a little bit at a time.
I also keep a journal. Even though daily events may slip in, the purpose of that journal is to reflect on what the Lord is teaching me. Where is He drawing my focus? What Bible passages does He keep bringing to mind? How do those things fit together? Where is He leading me?
I serve the Lord in my local congregation. Whether it’s teaching Bible class, serving refreshments as the need arises, attending women’s Bible classes, or partnering in mission work, God gives me great joy and fulfillment in the godly community of my church.
I carve out time to attend lectures at a local theological library. My podcast library is full of sermons by gifted teachers of God’s Word. My playlist is full of worship music that fuels my soul and prompts me to look up to the Lord.
I have been single again for thirteen years. I am more content, fulfilled, and at peace in the Lord than at any other time in my life bar none.
I do not know if God has planned a happy marriage to a good Christian man for my future. But I know this beyond any shadow of doubt: if singleness defines the rest of my time on earth, it will be a rich blessing because I understand the purpose of my singleness.
Is Singleness More Spiritual?
The Apostle Paul offers this wisdom: “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9).
You may determine that you’re burning with passion and it is your heart’s desire to pursue marriage intently. Or you may determine that you want to serve the Lord without distraction for the rest of your life and are open to remaining single. Jesus said this to His disciples:
The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (Matthew 19:10-12).
If God has called you to singleness, He will give you the grace to receive and endure it. Like Jesus. Like Paul. Like me.
If God has called you to marriage, He will give you the grace to receive and endure it. Like Peter. Like your parents.
God’s Love and Wisdom
It is vital to grasp the bigger picture of the kingdom of God: “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
All things include your season of singleness. If you believe that the Bible is true and accurate, you know that your heavenly Father is the embodiment of love and wisdom. He only desires good things for you. He has called you for a purpose, whether single, married, widowed, or divorced.
You can trust anything that comes from God’s hand. That includes your singleness, your love life, and any future relationship. Whether or not God has a future marriage in store for you, His good reasons will bring about great things.
The Bottom Line
An honest assessment of your spiritual life may reveal that God needs to do serious work in you before bringing a future husband or future wife into the mix. If so, hit pause on the dating game.
Take six months to get your relationship with God right first. Invest your freedom and time living Romans 12:2: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
You may believe that your single season has dragged on far too long. Yet as a Christ follower, you know that God has your best interests in mind.
Use this single season to develop an undistracted devotion to Him. That heavenly investment will significantly increase your life’s value.
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About the Author
Although Donna is a sought-after Bible teacher, her path from being unchurched to becoming passionate about sharing Jesus was not easy. Go here to read her God-breathed journey, “From Unchurched to Becoming a Multi-Published Author and Sought-After Speaker.” If you want to send Donna a quick message, then visit her contact page here.
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