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Dear Pastor’s Wife: Please Forgive Us

Posted on by Donna Snow

A little over two weeks ago, I wrote a blog post dedicated to pastors.

The response was incredible.

Beyond the blog and Facebook comments seen by all, what touched me the most were the responses that came through phone calls, texts, private Facebook messages, and even notes through the regular mail from those who love our pastors most: their wives.

They expressed such gratitude at the encouraging words shared on the post for their husbands. 

It reminded me about the challenging road our pastors’ wives walk — not only my pastors’ wives but the plethora of these amazing women whom I have had the privilege to meet and befriend all over the country.

So to each of you precious, dearly-loved, women of courageous faith:

You gracefully stand silently in the shadows while people clamor for your husband’s attention and heap praises on him (though he deserves it) when we choose not to notice you.

Please forgive us.

You live in a glass house where everything is scrutinized, yet you continue to keep those windows clean with the forgiveness extended that we often don’t deserve.

Please forgive us.

We ruthlessly police your fashion, hairstyle, hair color, size, and words like it’s our sole duty on this planet.

Please forgive us.

You sit dutifully while your husband uses your family as a sermon illustration pun again and smile while we laugh at you.

Please forgive us.

When we gripe, complain or criticize something about your husband or the church — even when it gets so nasty that there should be a smack down right in the middle of the narthex — you smile graciously and tell us that you will pass along our concerns.

Please forgive us.

You strive to walk as a disciple of Jesus, faced with the same struggles and complications that we go through, yet you’re faced with the challenge of going through many things silently.

Please forgive us. 

You are often thrown into positions in the church that no one else wants to do — often areas you are not gifted in — yet you trudge faithfully ahead while we criticize every step.

Please forgive us.

And then, there’s this:

Some days, you worry the stress may kill your husband. You desperately want to be in the will of God but may be afraid of what that might require of you, your marriage and your children.

You long to help the multitudes and would lay down your very lives for the beautiful body of Christ, and that makes you very, very tired. Perhaps you wonder when your husband retires if you will ever walk into a Church again. Sometimes sheep bite.

But I want you to know, dear Pastor’s Wife: 

It’s tough and can get lonely out there, but you are standing on the Rock.

You may not have anticipated this calling to be a pastor’s wife, but God has equipped you for this noble work.

God will faithfully provide helpers to you who love you wholeheartedly and find joy in praying for you and walking alongside you — whether inside or outside your Church.

Jesus can heal your wounded soul, renew your tormented mind, reconcile broken relationships, bring about forgiveness, bring hope in the midst of exhaustion, mend your broken heart, and meet your every need.

I pray for God to keep faith and hope alive in you, because WE NEED YOU.

We may not always tell you, but please know this:

You are LOVED.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are VALUED.
You shine God’s light RADIANTLY.

Sisters, I love you dearly and esteem you greatly. THANK YOU for your extraordinary sacrifice of praise to Christ our Savior.

Church, when was the last time you prayed for your pastor’s wife?

C’mon, let’s encourage them today. What say you?

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Two Questions Women Shouldn’t Ask

Posted on by Donna Snow

It happened again.

During a leisurely lunch with three dear friends* a few years back, horror stories and scars surfaced around two familiar topics.

To preface, only one of us is married and has a child. We range in age from 32-49 and are committed Christ followers. I need you to know something first. This post took significant time to write and pray through because it’s rather blunt about sensitive topics.

This post isn’t a vent — it’s a plea borne out of loving others. That being said…

Throughout our adult lives, my three friends and I have been asked two questions so many times that we’ve lost count. To this day, we remain flabbergasted that some women haven’t caught on. There are questions that plainly shouldn’t be posed to another woman — unless she’s your BFF.

(1) Why aren’t you married?

Stated like that, this question isn’t really a question. It’s a judgment.

Since I didn’t get married until I was 29, I fielded that question a LOT of times. We met when I was 23, dated for two years and were engaged for four years while he finished post-graduate college. If we’d collected $1 from each woman who asked me why I wasn’t married yet during those six years, we could’ve easily paid for the wedding and honeymoon four times over.

The more we talked, my friends and I realized that more often than not the question was posed by married women. That’s tantamount to a millionaire asking an unemployed person why they aren’t buying a mansion.

Even if asked in a caring or flattering way (perhaps she thinks highly of you), it still stings.

Believe it or not, some women ask it to intentionally inflict harm. And trust me, those on the receiving end can tell the difference. I’ve also been asked that question innumerable times since my divorce seven years ago. And frankly, the answer is too long and deep to broach with someone who doesn’t really know me. So I never bother.

Simply put, God calls some women to pursuits other than holy matrimony. Mother Theresa comes to mind, among others.

And the second question…

(2) Don’t you want children? 

Again, stated like that, this isn’t a question. It’s a judgment.

This question has caused more scars in my life (and my friends) than any other. It presupposes so many things that it’s hard to know where to begin addressing it.

Asking a single woman that question is cruel — whether intentional or not. Perhaps having children has been a lifelong, unfulfilled dream that has cost her many sleepless nights and a river of tears. What if she believes marriage should come first? Should she rush out to the nearest bar and hook up with the first man she sees? Should she rush to the sperm donor bank and sign up?

Asking a married woman that question presupposes that she is physically able to bear children. Perhaps she and her husband have tried to have children for years only to face financial hardships due to unsuccessful fertility treatments. No woman should ever be expected to share her private struggles or physical condition to justify why her home isn’t overflowing with children.

My ex-husband and I were married for 13 years, but didn’t have children. We trusted God’s plan that if He wanted us to have children, He would provide. I believe we would have been wonderful parents. But now looking back on divorce, I believe God knew best.

This question also presupposes that every woman longs to have children. Having children was never a huge tug on my heart. I realize that I’m opening myself up to some pretty hefty criticism with such a statement. Trust me when I say I’ve received my share of ugly comments. In spades.

I love so much spending time with my nieces and nephews because I see my three sisters in them. My 21-year old niece has lived with me for almost a year and I have cherished that time. Children are incredible. Yet God did not instill in me that desperate longing to have my own. I can’t explain it, it’s just the simple truth.

Some people have pulled out the Christianity card. “God designed women to have children, so you’re disobeying if you don’t have them.” Yes, people have actually had the audacity to say such an unkind thing to me and my friends. And when such a statement comes from someone we hold dear, the wound plunges deep.

Some people have played the adoption card. “So many children need good homes, why aren’t you willing to adopt?” Stated like this, that question is also a judgment. Perhaps she is, in fact, willing to adopt, but is still thinking and praying through the many considerations of such a monumental commitment.

Simply put, no woman owes another an explanation or response to these two extremely personal questions. Over time, I’ve learned to smile and deflect the tension. However, the pain inflicted still takes significant prayer and time for God to heal.

The bottom line? Those two questions negate God’s sovereignty. They infer that we need to follow our own plans instead of listening for and submitting to His. If no one has ever asked you either question, you are among the blessed minority.

If you are unmarried or do not have children, please hear this truth loud and clear:

Despite your marital or parenting status,
God loves you right now.
Just as you are.
Precisely where you are.

Following Him isn’t about conforming to some cultural mold of how others believe your life should look. Remember the Apostle Paul? His singleness allowed him the freedom to accomplish incredible ministry and write nearly half of the New Testament.

Following God isn’t about OUR agenda.
It’s all about what God does in us and through us in HIS perfect timing.

No tangible thing on this earth makes us more or less of a Christian. Following Christ never hinges on whether or not we’re married or have children. It’s about being in relationship with Him. It’s about our desire to know Him, be fully known by Him, and receiving His love and grace into the deepest recesses of our soul.

So to my fellow women who have been on the receiving end of these two questions, I love you. I know what it feels like and I’m so sorry for your pain.

And to those women who believe it’s okay to keep asking another woman either of those questions, STOP.

PLEASE STOP.

They kill friendships.

*These three wonderful friends are not members of my home church. They read this post when it was originally posted and granted permission to share these generalities of our discussion with hopes of shedding much needed light on this sensitive topic.*

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Revenge: Drop the Jawbone

Posted on by Donna Snow

Samson had an anger problem. Well, maybe he just never learned how to process anger well.

In Judges 15, an incident between Samson and his father-in-law eventually escalated into battles involving nations and the slaughter of thousands of innocent people.

All because of revenge.

When Samson returned home to his wife after a time away, he learned that his father-in-law (thinking Samson hated his wife) gave her to Samson’s companion. To add insult to injury, his father-in-law then offered his other daughter to Samson.

In a rage, Samson declared war on the Philistines (his father-in-law’s people) by torching their grain fields and olive orchards (Judges 15:1-5). The destruction affected the Philistines both economically and religiously, because they believed in gods of harvest, among others. In retaliatory revenge, the Philistines burned Samson’s wife and father-in-law to death (Judges 15:6). Ironic.

Samson vowed not to stop his rampage until he exacted revenge for his wife and father-in-law. He subsequently attacked and slaughtered many Philistines (Judges 15:7–8).

The Philistines retaliated by hunting down Samson, attacking the town of Lehi on the way. Three thousand men of Judah confronted the Philistines to ask why they were coming against them. When the Philistines named Samson as the culprit, the men of Judah found Samson and handed him over (Judges 15:9–13).

But Samson wasn’t finished. He picked up the jawbone of a donkey and killed one thousand men with it. One thousand men. All of this destruction and mayhem started with Samson, his father-in-law, and a goat.

Why are we so bent toward revenge? What is it that makes revenge alluring?

When it comes to revenge there are two basic types:

Active revenge: This kind of revenge moves aggressively toward our offenders. Perhaps a family member says something derogatory about your spouse. You immediately take offense and start telling the rest of the family about their many faults (whether secret or not). Active revenge always hurts far more people than we realize.

Passive revenge: This kind of revenge deceptively looks like forgiveness. Passive revenge does not move aggressively toward the offender, but takes the form of withholding, cold shoulders, or secretly celebrating when something negative happens to them. It is forgiveness lip service, not a genuine movement toward it.

Revenge tells God, “You’re in my seat.” When I choose to take revenge, I alone determine the severity of a person’s transgression, the proper method of punishment, and the time frame in which it needs to occur. Revenge inflates the ego because I alone determine that God is not moving fast enough or meting out what I believe is appropriate judgment. Consequently, I take matters into my own hands and execute judgment. Revenge means failing to entrust my wound to God’s justice.

Revenge always escalates. An offense can start with something as small as the rolling of eyes at someone’s behavior in a social setting. But it doesn’t end with reciprocated rolling eyes. It always escalates. Remember Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? The feud between the Capulets and the Montagues was “bred on an airy [misspoken] word.” Multiple civil brawls later, Romeo and Juliet died in their efforts to be together.

Revenge always inflames and creates an inflated ego that says, “I have the right to pay back the hurt they inflicted on me.” And back and forth it goes.

Forgiveness begins when you drop the jawbone.

When you find yourself in a situation where there is a nonstop back and forth, decide to put down the jawbone of revenge and back away. Forgiveness starts by refusing to participate in the game and stepping forward to end it.

Maybe we need to ask ourselves how much revenge is enough until we feel better? until our anger subsides?

The anger we feel from pain makes revenge seem logical. But anger can escalate quickly into rage and even hatred. Anger is an impossible blockade on the road toward forgiveness. That blockade can be removed only when we surrender the underlying pain to God for healing.

God takes our pain on Himself, so use God as the lightning rod for your anger. The psalmists did exactly that in Psalms 7; 10; 17; and 28. God alone is our avenger. Remember Job? There are dozens of places in the book where Job unloads his anger, frustration, and wounds onto God, along with a little sarcasm (Job 10:3). God can take all of those emotions and knows best how to handle them.

When someone wrongs us, instead of groping for a verbal weapon, reach for the Word of God: “praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance” (Ephesians 6:18).

Instead of hitting our enemy, we can hit our knees. We can pray earnestly for God to heal our pain, remove our anger, and work forgiveness in us so we can extend it wholeheartedly to those who hurt us.

Instead of feeding our hurt, we can feed our heart. Relentlessly confess, repent, lay your hurt at His Table, and receive His forgiveness that refreshes.

God alone is our righter of wrongs. The power or responsibility does not lie with us (Romans 12:19).

Forgiveness relinquishes all rights to punish our wounders and give them over to Christ. God is a God of justice as much as a God of love. Forgiveness does not mean that our wounders get off the hook; it recognizes that we are not the righteous judge of sin. That authority belongs to Christ alone.

Follow Jesus, not the path of revenge.

Drop the jawbone.

It stinks to high heaven.

Literally.

**The winner of the Forgiveness book release giveaway is CAROL ALBERTS!  I’ll reach out to you today, Carol. Congratulations and God’s blessings! **

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“Forgiveness” Book Release & Giveaway

Posted on by Donna Snow

   

These are the days when our culture seems to embrace rage. But we look around at the brokenness and perhaps we wonder … don’t we all need a whole lot more forgiveness?

We turn on the TV or scroll through social media and see drama-filled outrage over things that will be forgotten by dinner. And I can’t help but ask: why are we so angry? What cut our fuse so short that we’re constantly blasted and damaged?

Perhaps it’s time that we look each other in the eye and admit we need each other — that forgiveness paves a better way. A holier road.

But how do we handle the pain we can’t contain? those memories that track us down like blood hounds on a scent?

Maybe what overwhelms us the most is feeling like no one understands.

Been there, done that. Hence, this book.

Because rage will cage us unless we forgive.

If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand is forgiving is an act of giving: For God so loved — He gave. 

Forgiving gives life. Forgiveness restores freedom. Not for our offenders. For us.

I’ve lived the rage and know that forgiveness has radically transformed my life. When we trust Him, God can turn our anger into outrageous abundance.

After struggling and failing, and learning and growing, very slowly, I started to write. Does forgiveness make any sense in a raging world? In a raging heart?

Yes, it most certainly can.

And I didn’t even know if writing this made sense, so I reached out to people much wiser than I. They affirmed then, and they affirm now — if the world doesn’t see forgiveness from God’s people and among God’s people, they won’t see it at all.

I mean how can people learn if the examples are huddled and trembling behind locked doors like the disciples after Jesus was crucified?

So these wonderfully wise people, here’s what they said:

“Turn these pages, immerse yourself in God’s comforting, refining Word, and walk with Donna away from the burden of bitterness and into the liberating lightness of forgiveness.” —Michelle DeRusha, author of Katharina and Martin Luther: The Radical Marriage of a Runaway Nun and a Renegade Monk

“Readers will want to grab a journal to document the lessons and Bible verses the author encourages readers to write down, helping to imprint God’s truths.” —Jan Wendorf, Past LWML President

“Donna…uses Scripture and beautiful language to remind us of the power of Jesus at work in us, making forgiveness in every relationship possible.” —Angie Goeke, author, musician, speaker

“She recognizes the losses involved in forgiveness and she doesn’t shy away from calling out the lies and cultural myths that stand as barriers to forgiveness and freedom.” —Heidi Goehmann, author, speaker, deaconess

“In this study Donna helps us better understand the forgiveness God lavishly offers to all through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, and how He desires for us to live forgiven and forgiving lives. ” —Rev. John and Debra Heckmann, St. Paul Lutheran Church, The Grove, Texas

“I wasn’t aware of the unforgiveness packed deep in my heart. … As I read the book I was better equipped to break through the walls that were built in my heart.” —Mia Koehne, Singer/Songwriter, Host of Aspire Women’s Event Tour

So I hold this book out to you with hope-filled hands, praying that God uses it to open the cages of rage and usher in the freedom of forgiveness. And to celebrate…

I’m giving away a grand prize to one lucky subscriber:

  • Two signed copies of Forgiveness: Received From God, Extended to Others (one to keep, one to share)
  • A brand new Kindle e-reader: black, 6-inch, Wi-Fi enabled, glare-free touch screen
  • A set of four Scripture mugs to share coffee with your Forgiveness study group
  • A $25 Amazon gift card
  • Two sets of Forgiveness scripture cards

TO WIN:

  • Subscribe to this blog (look to the right)
  • Comment below and let me hear your thoughts on the topic of forgiveness
  • Share this book release link and tag me on your social media channels (each share generates an additional entry)

The winner will be announced on Tuesday’s regularly-scheduled blog post.

I pray that God uses Forgiveness in ways only He can fathom or imagine to transform our raging culture to a forgiving one. It’s such an honor to serve you, friends. Thank you.

Join me tonight for a Facebook livestream book launch celebration!

Pastors, Will You Forgive Us?

Posted on by Donna Snow

Pastors have a high and difficult calling.

There are few things that boil my blood faster or put me on a soap box quicker than when I hear God’s people hurling mean-spirited or spiteful comments at God-loving, servant-hearted pastors.

It gets ugly when the sheep turn on their shepherds.

And Satan, along with the world, watches. Smiling.

I love intentionally encouraging my pastors. When I see them at some evening function during the week ― whether it’s Bible class, a ministry event, or worship team rehearsal ― I’m fully aware that they may have faced a particularly tough day. Chances are the enemy has lobbed some fiery darts at them, whether it’s tough counseling sessions, disheartening church politics, or the death of a member.

They also have those joy-filled days when they perform baptisms, weddings, and celebrate confirmands. But those days happen far less than the rest.

It’s a privilege to convey to my pastors and pastor friends just how important they are to God’s work and His church ― to let these grace-filled men of courageous faith know how much they, their families, and their ministries mean to so many. But I end up getting chokey.

So … to my pastors, all my pastor friends, and your beautiful families:

You embrace the calling that crucifies you every day. Yet sometimes we are the ones pounding in the nails.

Please forgive us.

You take up the cross of Christ without hesitation, not because it’s a job, but because it’s your very calling, passion and life purpose. Yet sometimes we watch from comfortable pews without lifting a finger as you stumble under the weight of that responsibility alone.

Please forgive us.

You love us enough to sacrifice family time, cut short vacations, and be on call 24-7-365. Yet when you need to unplug and allow God to recharge you, we haughtily demand that you re-engage and make yourself available.

Please forgive us.

When life blindsides us with loss, relationship difficulties, health scares, or financial burdens, you are the first to offer prayer and call in the posse to help. Yet when you need us, we wear busyness as a badge to dodge.

Please forgive us.

You willingly live in a glass house with our faces pressed against it, gracefully shouldering our smart aleck remarks. Yet when you lovingly ask us accountability questions, our self-righteous indignation could choke God Almighty.

Please forgive us.

But I want to you know…

You are not expendable.

You are VITAL.
You are VALUABLE.
You are LOVED.

As you stand at the vanguard of deadly spiritual warfare, it’s an amazing privilege to stand in God’s army with you. To heartily encourage you when you’re weary. And to follow where God calls you to lead.

THANK YOU for your integrity and tireless commitment.

Church, when was the last time you prayed for your pastors?

C’mon, let’s encourage our pastors today.

When the World Rages: Forgiveness on this National Day of Prayer

Posted on by Donna Snow

I arrive home from work Tuesday last week and flip on the TV.

I root around in the fridge for ingredients to start dinner. It’s hamburger night.

There’s this red-faced lady ranting loud from the TV that the groomer cut her dog’s toenails way too short to paint. Now her dog will have to go without her springtime pink toenail color.

Her eyes bulge and neck veins pop. She’s thinking of suing.

My hands go still in that raw hamburger meat. The onion stings the cut on my pinky finger.

When did middle-of-the-road annoyance become the autobahn of anger?

While I’m smashing onions into hamburger patties, there’s people in this world smashing rage like derby cars into tender hearts. Head-on collisions causing scars that only Jesus can mend.

How can we show the love and forgiveness of Jesus when we can’t see through the broken windshields of misplaced rage?

The hamburgers sizzle loud in the skillet and I file that question in the recesses of a tired brain.

I wake up this morning and drive in pre-dawn darkness to this National Day of Prayer breakfast at a neighboring church.

In a world where rage seems normal, do people set the alarm early to gather in prayer aside from Sunday anymore?

Expecting two cars and five people, my headlights find a filling parking lot and people filing into the warmth of welcoming fellowship.

Twenty-somethings to eighty-somethings fill the chairs to bow in prayer as one voice. The rage-filled world fades.

The light of hope rises with the first rays of dawn.

We sing, we pray, and I share about the importance of forgiveness in a world that wants to hang onto revenge. Heads nod.

Seeing is believing, we say. If the raging world sees raging believers, how can they even conceive of a loving God who forgives?

We’d be relegated to permanent darkness if Jesus had raged instead of forgave on that Good Friday.

Only His good can overcome evil — because returning evil with evil just overcomes us.

Wherever the battle rages — desert war zones or some battle in our churches, communities, or marriages — we need to know that we don’t fight alone. Easter was God’s assurance that the One who lives in us is stronger than all the world’s rage.

Where the world rages, don’t condemn the shouters, curse the future, or pick a side — practice the forgiveness that Jesus taught. And in the practicing, we become what we preach — love in spite of the rage.

Loving the ragers like Christ loved the haters.

So on this National Day of Prayer, we thank God for His Son Jesus Christ, who sacrificed his Holy life to teach us how to live — and forgive.

Unforgiveness picks a side.

Forgiveness picks a person — the Person of Jesus Christ.

RELEASES MAY 9th: Pre-order to receive Chapter 1 before it releases, downloadable Scripture cards on forgiveness, a 31-day devotional, and Bible reading plan. Click here.

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Welcome!

Posted on by Donna Snow

Artesian Ministries LLC

Welcome, friends! After months of praying, planning, and coordinating, God has blessed me with a wonderful new website and blog. I hope you find it easy to navigate and easy for us to stay connected.

There are some exciting new things coming in the next few months, including a new book, a brand new DVD Bible study series, and an opportunity to be part of the live audience for the upcoming taping of a brand new Bible study series. But we’ll get there.

First, I just want to thank you. For being part of this crazy journey. For letting me into your lives to occupy your valuable time. For your encouragement, challenges, prayers, and so many other things.

I hope you will take time to poke around on my new website. There are free downloads for Bible study reading checklists under “In The Word” and a list of places we can connect in person under “Events.” Please take a moment to drop your email over to the right so we can continue talking about Jesus together.

Walking through life with you is a high privilege, because we follow the One who already carved our path.

So…thank you.

Until next time, I pray that God’s unsurpassing peace guards your heart and mind in Christ.

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