Dear Single Christian Woman

During two events where I was invited to speak earlier this year, I was given the opportunity to talk with young, single women (late teens, early 20s) about specific challenges that single Christian women face in today’s fast-paced, social media era.

These young ladies wanted helpful tools to apply as they live out their daily faith walk as single Christian women. Since I have lived “single again” for nearly ten years now, I am intimately aware of the myriad of issues.

To be clear, I wasn’t a Christian the first time I was single. Having now experienced singleness as both a non-Christian and Christian, I can tell you that it makes ALL the difference. As Christ followers, we are held to a higher, holy standard.

Having said that, over the past decade God has taught me to some very practical ways to live a God-honoring life as a single Christian woman. It all comes down to one thing:

I need to act like I’m already married.

Let me explain.

As an unmarried woman I am careful not to spend significant time alone with men. This is partly to guard against misconceptions (especially if they are married), but also to guard against temptation. Having watched infidelity play out in my own marriage (and others’ marriages), I’m under no illusions that hearts are bullet-proof to physical attraction.

As an unmarried woman I guard my speech around men. This is hard for me because I love to use humor to put people at ease. Teasing or sarcasm so often communicate flirtation, and innuendo opens sketchy doors. Social media and texting etiquette add additional complexities, as well.

As an unmarried woman I think twice about what I wear around men. I strive to look my best each day, taking care with my hygiene and appearance. Looking nice is not a sin. Dressing to intentionally attract a man’s attention to certain body parts is another story. We might as well dangle an apple from our breast. When I know that I will be in mixed company, I dress so that men will look me in the eye, not from neck to naval. I don’t wear a tent, but I don’t wear skirts slit up to my pelvis, either.

As an unmarried woman I think twice about my body language toward men. This one is particularly hard for me because I’m a Southern woman who loves to hug the stuffing out of people. However, I ensure there is daylight between me and the man sitting next to me. I still hug, but never prolonged to avoid implied intimacy. It’s a “hug and release” policy (yes, I love to fish so this fishing analogy made me smile).

As an unmarried woman I guard my thoughts about men. If I find myself idealizing the appearance of a man that leads to fantasizing about “what if” or “if only” scenarios, I confess those thoughts to God and set them aside. I have learned to “bounce my eyes” so that I am not disrespecting men with a neck to naval assessment which may invade my dreams later.

I fully realize that this list may seem fastidious, but it reflects the high regard in which I hold men, their marriages, and their personal boundaries.

My question for you, dear single Christian woman, is this: What will you give to this man who is not your husband? Don’t cheapen yourself with the legal gymnastics of, “How far is too far?” Ask instead, “What is my motivation for the thoughts, words, and actions I am choosing as I interact with this man?”

Don’t fish with your body. Fishing never works out well for the bait.

This post isn’t about who or how to date. Those are entirely separate lists. There is much fun and joy to be had during dating. This is about how to act as a single Christian woman, whether or not marriage is part of God’s plan for your life.

Scripture describes the Church as a bride awaiting a husband who is to come. That bride is admonished to keep herself pure, to live as though she is already the wife of her bridegroom. That is a powerful image of what being a single Christian woman looks like.

Whether an earthly husband is ever in your future, a heavenly Husband already is, so honor Him now in eager expectation of meeting Him one day.

And may I point out a crucial truth? You are not half a person seeking an earthly person to “complete” you. You are whole and complete in Christ.

Remember, the apostle Peter (in his married state) and the apostle Paul (in his single state) linked arms and made a difference for the kingdom. Our ultimate goal as Christ followers to is follow Christ. The other blessings in this life are pure grace.

Whether or not you ever become a married woman, thinking like one guards your heart from sin and opens it to embrace God’s incredible plan for your life – whatever that may be.

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Donna’s brand new Bible study, “Perseverance: Praying Through Life’s Challenges” (based on the book of Nehemiah) is now available through Concordia Publishing House and Amazon.

View video trailer.

Dear Pastor’s Wife: Please Forgive Us

Last week, I wrote a post dedicated to pastors. The response was beautiful.

Beyond the comments left on social media and the blog, what moved my heart the most were the many private messages I received expressing gratitude from those who love our pastors most: their wives.

It reminded me of the challenging road that our pastors’ wives walk — not only my pastors’ wives but the plethora of these amazing women whom I have been privileged to befriend all across the U.S.

So to my pastors’ wives and each of you dear, courageous women married to pastors:

You gracefully stand silently in the shadows while people clamor for your husband’s attention and heap praises on him while we don’t even acknowledge your presence.

Please forgive us.

You live in a glass house where we notice every fingerprint, yet you faithfully keep those windows clean by extending forgiveness that we often don’t deserve.

Please forgive us.

We ruthlessly police your fashion, hairstyle, hair color, size, and words like it’s our sole duty on this planet.

Please forgive us.

You listen dutifully while your husband uses your family as a sermon illustration again and graciously smile while we laugh at you.

Please forgive us.

When we unjustly criticize your husband or how he runs the church — even when it’s so nasty that there should be a smackdown right there in the narthex — you smile graciously and assure us gently that you’ll pass along our concerns.

Please forgive us.

You strive to faithfully walk as Christ’s disciple faced with the same struggles and hurts that we experience, yet you shoulder the burden in solitary silence.

Please forgive us.

You are often volunteered for tasks in the church that no one else wants to tackle — often areas you are not gifted for — yet you trudge faithfully ahead while we slander your efforts.

Please forgive us.

And then there’s this:

Some days you worry that the stress may kill your husband. Literally. You desperately want to be in the will of God but are afraid of what that requires from you, your marriage and your children.

You long to help the multitudes alongside your husband and willingly lay down your very life for the beautiful body of Christ. And some days that makes you very, very tired.

Perhaps you wonder when your husband retires if you will ever walk into a church again. Sometimes sheep bite.

But I want you to know, dear Pastor’s Wife:

Your calling is hard and it can get lonely, but you are standing on the Rock.

You may not have anticipated this calling to be a pastor’s wife, but God has equipped you for this noble work.

God will faithfully provide helpers to you who love you unconditionally, find joy praying for you, and commit to walk alongside you — whether inside or outside your church.

Take heart: Jesus can heal your wounded soul, renew your exhausted mind, reconcile broken relationships, work beautiful forgiveness, mend your broken heart, and meet your every need.

I pray for God to keep faith and hope alive in you because we NEED you.

We often neglect to tell you, but please know this:

You are LOVED.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are VALUABLE.
You shine God’s light RADIANTLY.

THANK YOU for your extraordinary sacrifice of praise to Christ our Savior as you serve us. Sisters, I love you dearly and esteem you greatly.

Church, when was the last time you prayed for your pastor’s wife?

Dear Pastor: Will You Forgive Us?

Pastors have answered a high and difficult calling. There are few things that boil my blood faster or put my feet on a soap box quicker than when I hear God’s people hurling mean-spirited or spiteful comments at God-loving, servant-hearted pastors.

It gets ugly when sheep turn on their shepherds. And Satan, along with the world, watches. Smiling.

I love to intentionally encourage my pastors. When I see them at some mid-week church function, I am fully aware that they may have faced strenuous spiritual warfare. The enemy has likely lobbed a stream of fiery darts at them, whether it’s tough counseling sessions, disheartening church politics, or the death of a member.

It’s critical to convey to our pastors and pastor friends just how vital they are to God’s work and His church — to let these grace-filled men of faith know how much they, their families, and their ministries mean to so many.

So…to my pastors, all my pastor friends, and your beautiful families:

You embrace the calling to be crucified with Christ, yet sometimes we are the ones pounding in the nails.

Please forgive us.

You take up the cross of Christ without hesitation because it is not merely your day job–it’s your very calling, passion and purpose. Yet sometimes we watch from comfortable pews without lifting a finger as you stumble under that staggering weight alone.

Please forgive us.

You love us enough to sacrifice family time, shorten vacations and make yourself available 24-7-365. Yet when you need to unplug and allow God to recharge you, we haughtily demand your instantaneous appearance.

Please forgive us.

When life blindsides us with loss, relationship difficulties, health scares or financial burdens, you are the first to offer prayer and call in the posse to help. Yet when you need us, we wear busyness as a badge to dodge.

Please forgive us.

You willingly live in a glass house with our noses pressed against it, gracefully shouldering our smart aleck remarks and quick judgments. Yet when you lovingly ask us accountability questions, our self-righteous indignation could choke God Almighty.

Please forgive us.

But I want you to hear loud and clear: You are not expendable.

You are VITAL.
You are VALUABLE.
You are LOVED.

As you stand at the vanguard of deadly spiritual warfare, it’s an amazing privilege to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you on God’s battlefield. To heartily encourage you when you are weary. To follow where God calls you to lead.

THANK YOU for your integrity and tireless commitment.

Church, when was the last time you prayed for your pastor?